Jamie: If there's one subject we writers understand more intimately than any other, it's procrastination. I'd contend we do it more (and better) than members of any other profession. Well, that, and punctuation. But really, who wants to read a discussion of periods and colons?

Cindy: Um, subscribers to PMS Magazine? Proctology Today? However, I must say, I'm really fond of commas. I wouldn't mind talking about them.

Jamie: Why am I not surprised?

Anyway, some people even consider procrastination a vital part of the creative process, and while I'm not necessarily one of those people, I do think it's an interesting matter to ponder. What do you think?

Cindy: Gosh, I don't know. Can I get back to you tomorrow? Or next week? How about next month? Okay, okay, next year! Honestly, I'll get back to you as soon as I can, but I have this scene to write...right now. Well, sometime today. Maybe around midnight. Or the next decade. I really want to write it. It's just...I'm productively procrastinating. And, lest (great word,huh?) you think I'm being a lazy butt, let me assure you, I'm not! (Mainly).

Jamie: Spoken like a true writer. Care to elaborate on this concept you mentioned, "productively procrastinating?"

Cindy: Okay, how can I describe it? I wouldn't say I consider procrastination vital, more an aspect of Just How I Am. Whether I Want to Be or Not.

Jamie: I see, sort of like having male pattern baldness or a lisp. Not to suggest that you have either, because you don't (as far as I know).

Cindy: Well, there is that bald patch from when you pulled out my hair...

Okay, let me be clear (is such a thing possible?). Productive Procrastination is not procrastinating for no reason--

Jamie: I never procrastinate for no reason. I always have a perfectly valid reason. Like, I don't feel like writing, or it's a sunny day and I want to go to the beach, or...

Cindy: Or you want to be a PITA! Jamie, Jamie, what will I do with you? Productive procrastination is not waiting for inspiration to strike or writing only when the muse moves you. I'm not an advocate of negative procrastination. Productive Procrastination is positive!

Jamie: Oh?

Cindy: Yep. It's a purposeful plan for promoting productivity! Forseeing how many P words you can put in one sentence. It's when you allow your mind to work on a writing problem, after you've hit road block after road block. A scene or story issue. It's something you (well, I) do intentionally. I'd rather not do it at all, but I've come to learn that I can only force myself to write so much. If I keep hitting a wall, it's because I'm facing a story problem and all the Just Sit Down and Write advice in the world > won't solve the issue, just create reams of crappy dreck I'll probably never use. So I tell my mind, my subconscious, my muse,what-have-you, to work on the problem while I go off and do something else. Like check email. Work on a different project. Enter a contest. Write Girl Talk columns...

Jamie: Wow. So let me get this straight. What you're saying is, every time I get stuck, I can go do anything else, and I can call that productive writing time too?

Cindy: Productive Procrastination! Let's call it an element of the creative process, seeing as it's not productive "writing" itself.

Jamie: So as I'm scrubbing the toilet or making marshmallow fluff sandwiches (not necessarily in that order), I'm actually working on my writing?

Cindy: Kind of. It depends on how open your muse is to instruction.My muse, you see, is quite the compliant little wench. It's amazing how often I come back to the writing problem or issue a day or two later, and a solution is suddenly staring me in the face. I think of Productive Procrastination as trusting my muse enough that I know she will solve my problem.

Jamie: I really need to get myself one of these muses everyone keeps talking about. An imaginary person who will do all my difficult creative work for me is exactly what I need.

Cindy: Yes, it is! I mean, why should I waste time hitting my head against a brick wall? I might as well work on something else or even take a day off (and catch up on non-writing chores like the marshallow fluff sandwiches you mention), and let my muse do her thing. Does that not sound like brilliance itself?

Jamie: Absolutely. However, I personally prefer a bit more self-flagellation and angst as part of my creative process. If I'm not berating myself and feeling guilty 95% of the time, I'm not sure what I'd be doing...

Cindy: Oh, don't get me wrong! Self-flagellation and angst are part and parcel of the package. Because, before a writer can get to the productive procrastination part, she needs to experience that knot of anxiety in her chest and the edginess eating away at her pore by pore while she flagellates herself and any handy body or mind within reach. It's after the self-flagellation and feelings of uselessness and I'm-Not-Worthy-ness occurs that the productive procrastination comes into play.

Jamie: I see. So I should consider less wallowing in angst and more marshmallow fluff sandwich making...

Notes to self:

(1) find, capture, and enslave nearest available muse
(2) whenever urge to self-flagellate strikes, stop banging head against keyboard and go do something productive.

Am I forgetting anything?

Cindy: Yes, whatever you do, don't skip out on the vital step of banging your head. You need to bang it. Bang it a lot! Bang it until you have a big bump and then go do something productive. But after the banging and before the productive, you have to instruct your muse what you want her to do. And that's to come up with the solution to the problem in your story.

Jamie: Ah, so I should not procure just any old muse, but should hold out for an extremely obedient one.

Cindy: Now you're starting to get it! However, the way I see it, the "muse" is really just a part of ourselves. An aspect of our creativity. So you have to be precise...because creativity is a tricky, often lazy devil. Tell your muse exactly what the problem is. Tell her (or him, or it) to work on that problem. She/he/it needs to take orders. She-he-it needs boundaries. She-it...um...okay, before my theory is regulated to a pile of B.S., let me just say that visualizing handing over the problem written on an imaginary piece of paper helps some people. I find it handy to visualize handing my muse my problem right before I go to sleep. Without giving her orders, she just lies around playing Free Cell with her toes. If you tell her what to work on and then trust that she will, then, yep, you can go away and do something productive that's not writing related. Like laundry.

Am I making any sense, or do you think my Productive Procrastination Theory is a lot of hogwash?

Jamie: It's quite possibly a lot of hogwash, but then again, the creative process is a mysterious and pork-infused thing. We probably shouldn't try to understand it completely.

Cindy: My theory is hogwash? What is your theory, then, my wise and wonderful friend? Do you think procrastination serves any creative purpose, or is it just an excuse or a bother, like a zit that needs to be ignored or stamped out as quickly as possible?

Jamie: Eww. Um, my answer to the theory question is, I don't really have one. I guess I think we should try stuff, do what works, and discard what doesn't.

Simple enough, right?

Cindy: Sure, don't come up with your own theory! Well, I'd hazard a guess that your theory runs along the lines that procrastination doesn't really serve a creative purpose and is just an excuse not to Sit Down and Write. In other words, we indulge our own laziness when we procrastinate. How close am I?

Jamie: No, no, I only meant that we all have to do what works for us. Trying to abide by anyone else's creative process is a lot like trying to shop around for the perfect imaginary slave--er, I mean, muse. There really isn't any shopping to be done. We're just stuck with the neuroses--er, I mean, creative processes--that we have.

Cindy: Oh, okay. Yes, I must admit, that is true. I'm stuck with my creative processes, and you're stuck with your neuroses. See? We do agree.

Jamie: Some of us find ways to productively procrastinate, and some of us are busy making marshmallow fluff sandwiches.

Cindy: Well, pass some of those sandwiches on over here then, because my muse is hungry--and so am I!